okay. i'm done with my first exam paper.
1 down, so 3 more to go.
i'm really glad tad my papers r quite spread out.
from the 1st sem till now, my papers have always been quite spread out.
though it means tad i will end later, i think it's alright.
cos i have more time to study.
esp. since i like to dilly-dally.
so it's good to have more time.
by 28th nov, 2 more papers would end.
and by den, i would have onli 1 more paper left.

for the upcoming exams,
there's tis paper i feel damn damn damn worried for.
tis is like the first time i'm feeling so worried for my exam paper.
in the past, i dont feel worried for exams at all.
i dont think i feel worried before.
not even once.
i will just feel nervous when i'm about to enter the exam hall.
cos i would study for my exams.
and i noe i noe my stuff.
so i wont feel worried.
i would onli feel worried after i've sat for the paper cos i would be worried abt the results.

but tis time, it's different.
it's totally different.
i feel worried.
i feel damn worried.
i totally have no confidence at all.
i noe d things taught.
i understand it.
but doing it is another different thing.
i dunno y.
but i'm like super super super worried for tad paper.
i realli hope nth will go wrong.
if not i sure die one.

i feel so sian of exams.
been taking exams every yr since the age of 4?
so it's like 16yrs alr.
so sian of exams.
from the start of being super scared of exams, till now being quite calm abt exams.
everything takes time?
sometimes i realli wonder why ppl can be so smart.
i'm always envious of those smart ppl.
not tad i'm stupid (HAHHAHA), just tad sometimes they can be realli super smart.
i'm not tad stupid.
but i'm not tad smart too.
i still rmb, everyone in sec sch would say i'm smart.
they would say things like...
'it's xiao wei leh. she wouldnt get lousy grades de'.
something like tad?
hahhaha. lol.

i'm known to be smart in sec sch.
in pri sch, i cant realli rmb.
but my frenz sort of noe i'm those who will get not bad grades i think.
in jc, i wont say my frenz think i'm smart.
cos there's alot of smarter ppl in my class.
but i'm considered not bad alr.
all these were contributed by my fast learning ability i think.
i'm a fast learner.
realli a fast learner.
i have to say i learn things veri fast.
i can understand and learn it veri fast.
though my memory were gd, i nv memorise stuff.
cos it's a dumb way of learning things.
i dislike ppl who memorise stuff.
understanding is so much a better way of learing stuff.

but things seem to be so much different in uni.
maybe cos i went to a arts faculty.
i've been a veri sci person since sec sch.
in pri sch, i rmb i dislike sci.
but when i got to my sec sch, somehow, i kinda like sci.
i enjoy doing sci.
and i can excel in sci.
i kinda like maths too.
and i can excel in maths too.
nth seem to be difficult for mi to handle.
as long as i did study, everything is okay.
the onli problem i have is to make myself study.
tad's y i've nv been to those prestigous sch.
cos i will study. but i dont study hard.
and i slack off veri fast.
so my results would be not bad but not so gd till i can go to those super gd sch.
hahahahhahaha.
but it's true though.

den when i go to uni, i went to arts faculty.
not tad i wanted.
it's cos i have no choice.
d course i wanted is under arts.
though i like sci & maths and i kinda noe i can do not bad in it, i dont wan to go into engin or sci.
cos i noe it'll be super boring to do it for 3-4 yrs.
biz is not smth i wanted to.
so i'm onli left with tad course and it's under arts.
maybe things would be different if i were to accept the ntu comm studies offer.
but it's too late.
and i nv want to think abt it anymore.
so in arts, things r veri different.
not similar to sci definitely.
tis may explain why i dont have tad confidence anymore.
it's all abt readings.
and even if u read through everything, it doesnt mean anything.
cos i wont noe if i did noe my stuff anot.

not like sci/maths where there's a definite ans.
it's all abt readings and understanding the readings.
and i hate to read.
hahaha.
okay, i think i'm digressing too much.
my point is tad, for tis upcoming exam, i feel super worried.
a feeling tad i've nv had before.
worried way before the exam is not my style.
and i dunno wad i shld do.
i'm just worried.
i realli pray hard and hope tad everything will be well for mi.
if not, GG.
god bless me pls.

okay. going back to study for my other papers.
all the best to the rest of the papers! =D
jiayou, xiao wei.
3 more papers only.

rained @ 11:59 PM

tis wk is the reading week.
and my first paper is damn early.
21st.
which means i onli have abt 5 days from now.
god bless me.

like the previous 2 sems, i'm encountering the same problems again.
no mood to study.
somehow, i seem to lose all my studying spirit.
i can no longer study like how i used to in the past.
in the past, though i also wont have the studying mood, i will force myself.
somehow or another, i noe i have to do it.
and i will eventually do it.
but tis time, it's so so different.
i noe i have to do it.
but i just cant do it no matter how hard i force myself to.
totally no mood and no motivation.
and i hate myself for keep falling asleep while reading.
hahaha.
i just cannot help it.

i noe i'm so dead.
hopefully, i can find back my studying spirit.
maybe another thing is tad, i've lost all my morale.
i've lost all my targets and goals.
i cant seem to find any targets/goals for myself animore.
i dunno y.
i just keep telling myself tad "there're more things in tis world than just studying".
and i think tis statement realli influences mi alot?
i just find no point in studying?
and i just lost all my morale.
stupid statement.
i hate it.

in the past, i've nv had such low morale feeling.
to me, studying is not a problem at all.
my grades have been quite gd all d way.
well, except for some exceptional cases.
the only lousy grades i've gotten is J1.
the time when i played alot.
partly cos of sajc influence.
ppl just keep playing alot.
they onli study for promo.
so my grades totally suck for my common test.
promo wasnt veri ideal too.
it's onli started improving when i'm in j2.
and my grades just kept getting better and better.

but now, i dont have tad kind of confidence anymore.
i just feel tad i dont have the ability and energy to be able to do as well as before.
i have no idea why.
i just hope tis kind of feeling will go away soon.
cos it realli demoralises mi alot.
sometimes, i realli wonder alot.
is uni reali tad gd at all?
y so mani ppl wan to get into uni?
i dont quite understand.
and when ppl get into uni, they start complaining.
like totally wth rite?
for my case, it's different.
cos i'm from jc and i have to go uni.
i dont have a choice.

i totally have a super bad feeling tis time.
i have no idea why.
like just now when i'm studying, i will suddenly stop cos a bad feeling suddenly comes.
i wonder why.
tis bad feeling realli makes mi super worried.
i hope i wont do badly tis time.
i hope my instinct wont be accurate tis time.
i hope everything will go well for mi.
i haven been getting much good karma recently.
hahaha.
opps. =X
god bless mi.

rained @ 3:03 AM

i've just changed my blogskin.
not tad i'm too free or anything.
in fact, i'm sick now.
but i have no choice but to change it cos the previous one is no longer in use.
so have to change it to the current one.
dont have much time to look for a super super nice one.
so just make do with this one.
but it looks nice also.
simple & nice i guess.

just simple updates.
i'm sick.
at this point of the time.
it realli sucks.
cos exams are in about a wk's time.
and i'm sick now.
how m i going to study.
sian.

today just cleared 1 module.
cos no final exam for tad module.
but i think i kinda screwed it up.
partly cos i'm sick.
somehow, i went into the exam room.
and my mind is in total blank.
SIAN!
i screwed it up.
i hope i wont do too badly.
i just hope i can recover soon!

by now, most ppl would have alr started mugging and stuff.
but i havent!
cos 1 presentation just ended today too.
oh. the presentation was gd i guess. most ppl laughed at our videos.
so it's a gd thing!
anyway, past few weeks been busy on projects and stuff.
totally no time to study.
and u think i can start studying now?
NOOOOOOOOOOOO.
cos i still have an assignment.
like totally wad the hell rite.
tml last day of sch alr and i still have an assignment to do?
blame the lecturer not the students.
tad is wad the lecturer had planned.
wad stupid plan is it.
totally no brain.

initially, she even wanted us to hand in the assignment on the exam day itself.
but we students of cos protest la.
in the midst of exams, who would bother abt d assignment rite.
BUT it's like 15% of our ca.
so cannot totally heck care also.
deadline is 23rd nov.
but i just wan to get it done asap.
hopefully i can finish by tis wkend.
BUT i have another problem.
i have no idea wad the assignment is about though i've alr read through it.

why.
cos lecturer sucks.
cannot teach at all.
cant understand her & her lousy english & poor pronunciation of words.
and during tutorial, i always end up on fb and stuff.
nv realli listen.
and the tutor is not veri gd either.
kena all the bad ones.
sian.
so now, i have no idea how to go abt doing it.
and how m i able to finish by tis wkend.
i'm so dead.
i need lots of help....

still contemplating to go sch tml anot.
cos i'm still quite sick.
hopefully i will be much better tml.
if not i'll just pon sch.
oh well.
actually, i alr have the ponning sch mood now.
hahaha.
totally cant wait for holidays to come!
all the best for the exams! jiayou!!! =D

rained @ 12:00 AM

i'm like super busy recently.
i have no idea why.
or maybe i noe why.
recently, there's 4 ongoing projects.
so super busi.
lots of project meetings.
but i've managed to chiong finish 2 of my projects.
so left with 2 more.
the 2 tad i finished r the easier ones.
the other 2 is more xiong with lots of work to do.
by the end of next wk, i would have finished another 1.
den left with 1 more which is my biggest project so far. (40% leh!)

so i'm like super busi.
still got other assignments leh.
and some other stuff to settle.
super packed wk.
even my free day has to be taken up by all the work.
went back to sch for project meetings.
den next wed is also taken up by another project.
sian.
and next wk will be super busi too.
cos got 1 presentation.
so i guess there's alot of preparation work to do.
SIAN.
2 presentations on fri. -.-
all the best.

tis wkend and the next 2 wkends are all packed!
can u all imagine.
next 2 wkends all packed leh.
means 3 consecutive wkends i wont be staying at home.
both sat and sun leh.
so mani stuff!
sian. sometimes staying at home is so gd.
can slp till super late.
watch tv till i shuang.
do wadever i want.
and to be a potato couch!
so relaxing.
i miss the days where i'm at home.

usually every wed i also can stay at home since it's my free day.
but last wk i couldnt, tis wk i couldnt, next wk also cannot!
3 consecutive wed cannot stay at home too!
super sian!!!
y so busy?
but i guess after 23rd oct, some of my stuff would have been settled.
so maybe my wkday wont be tad packed?
MAYBE. maybe smth happened, so may have to take up my free day.
super hard to say de.

and my fri.
usually i would go home straight after lesson on fri cos i will be super tired.
but today i couldnt.
stayed in sch till 7plus for project meeting.
den met up with fren to do some stuff.
next fri also cannot.
have to stay till 8plus in sch.
sian!
someone save mi pls.
pls dont take away all my free & slacking time.
i want them.
and i have no idea why i'm having headache now.
super bad headache.
splitting headache.
i rarely kena headache.
and tis time, i kena & it's super pain.
it's killing mi.
i think i shld slp soon.

to have a rest is to allow mi to travel further distance.
and i feel like i'm falling sick too.
but i better not.
cos next wk i reali realli need lots of energy.
gd luck & jiayou!!! =D

rained @ 1:20 AM

let me update abt my bdae first.
karma gang planned alot of surprises for mi la.
first, they purposely make mi have the sianzation feeling.
d day itself lied to mi tad one of them overslept den have to delay the meeting time.
den suddenly showed up at my doorsteps.
with a mooncake.
cos it's d mooncake festival.
i totally got a shock.
stunned for damn long.
den went to my room and gave mi my presents.
alot leh. 5 presents in total.
so have to slowly one by one open.
hahaha.

den they saw the cui side of mi.
my cui home clothes.
hahaha. after tad, we took dione's car to town.
went to e2max to open a room.
grace showed up with tis veri big cookie from famous amos.
damn nice! =D
watched tis veri funni yet dirty movie.
hahaha.
gaia came.
den took photos before dione left.
den walked all d way to ion orchard.
took some funni photos there.

walked there for a while to kill time first.
before we go to d hotel for buffet!
den they wanted to give mi another surprise.
they wanted to put a notebook inside my bag.
but i caught them in d act of wanting to put d notebook in my bag!
HAHHAHAHA.
damn funni.
aniway, the dinner was nice.
love the seafood.
crabs, prawns.
love the dessert.
ice cream, cakes.
though i dont have a sweet tooth, d dessert was nice la.
i had an enjoyable day.
photos are all up in my fb alr.
still waiting for belated presents/celebrations from other ppl.

aniway, today i went out with faith, hasan and chris.
we went to catch the ugly truth.
i noe it's like damn long alr.
but i so wanted to watch just tad i had no time.
so we watched today.
i think it was nice.
super funni.
though it's super dirty too.
ahahhaha.

den went for dinner tgt.
den went to mac to find d bizcom guys.
since they so happened to be there.
another 2 more were at town too.
just tad they were at ion orchard shopping, enjoying themselves.
hahahha.
all of us didnt want to be light bulbs.


tis fri, i'm going for a dinner.
nussu appreciation dinner.
dress code: formal.
but their formal is not those super formal kind.
not like those gown kind.
since d place is somewhere in sch.
and i have a veri big problem.
wad dress shld i wear????
another big problem: shld i go home first after my lesson which ends at 4?
it's troublesome to go home though i will have to wait in sch for 2hrs+ if i dont go home.
d thing is if i dont go home, it means i have to put on make up early in d morning like 10am?
cos my lesson starts at 10am.
changing in sch is also veri troublesome for me.
some ppl may noe why esp. cassie.
she will noe why it is troublesome for mi to change or put make up outside.
hahaha.

how how how????
i only have a day to decide.
so vexed.
sian.

rained @ 1:13 AM

just a short one before i go to slp.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MYSELF!!!!
i'm now officially 20!
dunno if it's a gd thing anot.
i feel so old now.
20 leh!
no longer a 'teen'.
after tad, i'll continue to age at a very fast rate.
but luckily, i dont look like my age.
so ppl cant tell i'm 20. HAHAHHA.

aniway, i'm going out with my karma gang later.
so looking forward to it.
esp. since we're going to eat hotel buffet!!!
so excited.
i'm not one who eat buffet.
in fact i kinda hate eating buffet.
but tis is different.
it's a HOTEL buffet.
so i guess i will love it.

going to slp now.
have to wake up earlier to dress myself up.
hahhaha.
will update soon!
once again,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, XIAO WEI!!!! =D

rained @ 2:42 AM

sat was an enjoyable day.
first met up with faith and audrey to study in sch.
after tad, i drove to town to meet 4/5 peeps.
went for dinner tgt at waraku.
we kinda veri long nv go out tgt le.
den went to play pool for a while.
after tad, i left to meet faith since she's in town also.
den we went to vivo to meet the rest of the bizcom peeps.
had super fun chat.
all the shit-stirring.
it's fun stirring other ppl shit.
hahahhaa.

recess wk is going to be a busi wk for me.
so mani stuff to do.
somemore it's my bdae.
if celebrate alot of days, i'll feel bad.
but if i dont celebrate, i'm like letting myself down.
hahah.
so i shld make full use of all my time so tad when i play, i can enjoy myself!
yeah. gd plan.
aniway, confirm eating hotel buffet on wed!
yeah!!
initially i was veri excited.
until smth happened on sun.


smth happened on sun.
and tis realli kinda spoils my mood.
it just had to happen a few days before my bdae.
how can i be happy.
though everything is over now, i cant realli stop thinking abt it.
and tis time seems to be one of the most serious incidents.
i hate it.
not tad i hate her.
sometimes i do hate myself.
i feel useless sometimes.
i hate myself for doing some stuff too.
but i just cant help it.
i hate myself from being so timid too.
y am i like so super scared of cats.
i hate myself from being so timid and always have to ask my parents for help when there's a cat near/under my car.
but it's just some minor stuff.

today it's different.
not exactly minor stuff.
but not exactly major stuff too.
i have my own principles and character.
and wad happened today clashed with my principles and character.
and plus tad thing i guess.
so kinda cant realli control my temper.
but i still insist it's not exactly my fault.
she likes to assume things.
and cos of her wrong assumption, it triggers the start of d whole incident.
so another fugly her came into d pic.
i dont realli wan to say wad exactly happened.
but i just hate it.
i dislike her for always putting all the blame on me.
whenever there's an issue between mi & fugly her, she likes to blame me.
blame mi for everything.
blame mi for starting d whole thing.
her own assumption.
she dont even bother to find out.
she would naturally think i'm at fault when i'm not.
i feel so hurt.
but there's nth i can do either.

and i dunno wad happened to me today.
i cried during the incident. of cos la.
but usually after tad, i'll try to be strong and get over it.
tis time, i just cant.
i just cant.
i have no idea why.
i cried during my shower.
cos i started to think abt alot of stuff.
how she's so disappointed when i nv meet her expectation.
psle is the first incident.
but after tad, i do work hard not to disappoint her animore.
not performing as good as everyone including myself expects.
i feel even more upset.
afterall it's my own issue.
after tad, there's no such issue animore.
when i get good results, u maybe happy.
but u dont seem super happy.
i have nv want to disappoint her.
i felt so discouraged.
previously, i have high hopes on myself.
i set my own targets, goals, aspirations.
but there's tis point when it reached the peak and has been dropping.
i'm not longer tad ambitious.
i have no idea why.
i cant find back the same motivation to set my own target, goals and aspiration.
i think i may even reach the point where i realli find most of the things i'm doing currently meaningless.
so meaningless.

after my shower, i tot everything would be fine.
but i was wrong.
i have no idea why.
i cant seem to control my tears.
it just filled my eyes.
and it happened quite a no. of times.
tears filled my eyes.
it rolled down my cheeks.
alot of times today.
till i lost count.
and it happened whenever i heard voices of them.
why why why why why.
i hate all tis tad happened.
i envy others.
why cant i be like the others....

rained @ 1:54 AM