sat was an enjoyable day.
first met up with faith and audrey to study in sch.
after tad, i drove to town to meet 4/5 peeps.
went for dinner tgt at waraku.
we kinda veri long nv go out tgt le.
den went to play pool for a while.
after tad, i left to meet faith since she's in town also.
den we went to vivo to meet the rest of the bizcom peeps.
had super fun chat.
all the shit-stirring.
it's fun stirring other ppl shit.
hahahhaa.

recess wk is going to be a busi wk for me.
so mani stuff to do.
somemore it's my bdae.
if celebrate alot of days, i'll feel bad.
but if i dont celebrate, i'm like letting myself down.
hahah.
so i shld make full use of all my time so tad when i play, i can enjoy myself!
yeah. gd plan.
aniway, confirm eating hotel buffet on wed!
yeah!!
initially i was veri excited.
until smth happened on sun.


smth happened on sun.
and tis realli kinda spoils my mood.
it just had to happen a few days before my bdae.
how can i be happy.
though everything is over now, i cant realli stop thinking abt it.
and tis time seems to be one of the most serious incidents.
i hate it.
not tad i hate her.
sometimes i do hate myself.
i feel useless sometimes.
i hate myself for doing some stuff too.
but i just cant help it.
i hate myself from being so timid too.
y am i like so super scared of cats.
i hate myself from being so timid and always have to ask my parents for help when there's a cat near/under my car.
but it's just some minor stuff.

today it's different.
not exactly minor stuff.
but not exactly major stuff too.
i have my own principles and character.
and wad happened today clashed with my principles and character.
and plus tad thing i guess.
so kinda cant realli control my temper.
but i still insist it's not exactly my fault.
she likes to assume things.
and cos of her wrong assumption, it triggers the start of d whole incident.
so another fugly her came into d pic.
i dont realli wan to say wad exactly happened.
but i just hate it.
i dislike her for always putting all the blame on me.
whenever there's an issue between mi & fugly her, she likes to blame me.
blame mi for everything.
blame mi for starting d whole thing.
her own assumption.
she dont even bother to find out.
she would naturally think i'm at fault when i'm not.
i feel so hurt.
but there's nth i can do either.

and i dunno wad happened to me today.
i cried during the incident. of cos la.
but usually after tad, i'll try to be strong and get over it.
tis time, i just cant.
i just cant.
i have no idea why.
i cried during my shower.
cos i started to think abt alot of stuff.
how she's so disappointed when i nv meet her expectation.
psle is the first incident.
but after tad, i do work hard not to disappoint her animore.
not performing as good as everyone including myself expects.
i feel even more upset.
afterall it's my own issue.
after tad, there's no such issue animore.
when i get good results, u maybe happy.
but u dont seem super happy.
i have nv want to disappoint her.
i felt so discouraged.
previously, i have high hopes on myself.
i set my own targets, goals, aspirations.
but there's tis point when it reached the peak and has been dropping.
i'm not longer tad ambitious.
i have no idea why.
i cant find back the same motivation to set my own target, goals and aspiration.
i think i may even reach the point where i realli find most of the things i'm doing currently meaningless.
so meaningless.

after my shower, i tot everything would be fine.
but i was wrong.
i have no idea why.
i cant seem to control my tears.
it just filled my eyes.
and it happened quite a no. of times.
tears filled my eyes.
it rolled down my cheeks.
alot of times today.
till i lost count.
and it happened whenever i heard voices of them.
why why why why why.
i hate all tis tad happened.
i envy others.
why cant i be like the others....

rained @ 1:54 AM